How to Win the Lottery

I've decided to help everyone and explain how to win the lottery



There is a few different ways.
Please use whichever you see fit.

Living on a Prayer
1. Buy Ticket
2. Pray everyday along with some promises, you know, build a church or place of worship, feed the hunger, shelter the homeless. Something that would be constructive.
3. Continue to pray
4. Wait for draw
5. Win lottery!
Note: If step 5 does not work, repeat the process until you realize that you have actually spent a ton of money on lottery tickets and stop buying them all together

Running with the Devil 
1. Buy Ticket
2. Trade something with devil for lottery winnings. Normally there is some kind of contract to sign with Satan and you lose your soul for all eternity.
3. Wait for draw
4. Win lottery!
Note: If you don't believe in Satan, start believing then start at step 1.

The Power of Love 
1. Find someone who just won the lottery
2. Marry them
Note: No purchase required, see in store for details

Another one bites the Dust 
1. Buy ticket
2. Find everyone else who also bought a ticket for the same draw.
3. Make them all disappear
4. Keep their tickets
5. Wait for draw
6. Win Lottery!
Note: this one requires IMMEDIATE disappearance to some unknown island in order for you enjoy your winnings.

I still haven't found what I'm looking for 
1. Wait for draw to be announced
2. Run to convenience store.
3. Pick up one of the sheets you use to fill out your picks
4. Scratch in the winning numbers
5. Get to the office before the person with the winning ticket
6. Try to convince them to give you the money because to couldn't find your ticket but you kept your pick card
7. Ensure that no one actually shows up for the winnings
Note: Success rate is extremely low, but always worth a shot. Try to hire an older actor or family member for half the winnings to actually execute the plan. You play caregiver to the elderly and insist the ticket was played

Please note, I have never tried any of these. I'm just assuming they will work
Also, I do realize all of the titles I have choosen are song titles and yes all are from the 80's except for Running with the Devil (1978)
I don't know what other obvious stuff I should point out. You try some.

Pedestrians

For those who walk to work, or a combination of walk and bus or walk and subway or any kind of combination that includes walking other than driving, or walk anywhere, this entry to directed directly at you.

Today, I was victim to situations where 1, I almost hit the group of geniuses and 2, where I wanted to hit the slug crossing the street.




Situation 1

I'm approaching a red light and I begin to slow down so I can time it where I arrive at the line the moment the light turns green so I don't have to come to a complete stop and I can just fly right away. It's a standard thing everyone does it. The moment the perpendicular lights turn red, you know you have exactly 3 seconds before your light turns green...with the exception of advances of course.

I see the opposite light turn red so I start to speed up to get my jump on the light. Out of nowhere, 3 losers jump into the middle of the street and start to sprint across the road.

I slam on my breaks as hard as I could and barely stop right in front of them. Just dumb idiots

After that, some vulgar words were said out my window and off I went.

Situation 2

I'm waiting at the light to make a right hand turn and I have the red light. I am anxiously awaiting the slight window to jump in. That's one benefit of a having a small Jeep as opposed to my previous vehicle, a Sierra pick-up. I see my window and just as I'm about to go I see the smartest person on the face of the Earth standing in front of my Jeep, texting. Yes, TEXTING. She had stopped to finish her text message before finishing to cross the street.

To top it off, this Rhodes Scholar has her headphones on. So even though I'm leaning on my horn with all my might, she doesn't even hear it!

Finally, she looks up, realized what she did, took her headphones off, put her phone away and finished to cross the street. At this point, my window to make my right turn had closed and there was no way for me to get back in, until the light had switched to green.

Like any normal human, I rolled down my passenger window, and said the most vulgar thing I could think of.

All I am asking from you pedestrians is, wake the fuck up when your crossing the street. Use your fucking head, you losers.

Please note: In my eyes, any elderly, ill and disabled are free to move at their own pace.

T-Pain Mic Review

This year for Christmas I was lucky enough to get the wonderful T-Pain mic from my sister. 

As I'm sitting here looking at it wondering what to write up for this blog, I decided to write up a quick review on the mic itself. I mean, when in Rome, right?

Good Stuff:
- There is a couple beats on the mic so you can pretend to be a rapper and try that. Or you can do what I do and use it as background music as you introduce people when they walk in the room. Think of Old School when Vince Vaughan introduces Snoop Dogg at Mitch-a-palooza or in Semi-Pro when will Will Ferrell introduces his starting line up. Watch the video below for reference.



- A great thing about this microphone is that is does have an attached speaker, but that can be removed and plug into an amplifier of any kind and make it even louder! Imagine that, you having a party, you plug this puppy into an amp, press the beat button and introduce everyone as they come in or commentate the whole night! haha that would be interesting.
- This microphone can be used to annoy the shit out of anyone and everyone you know! haha. At first it's comical and people find it amusing but after about 3 hours of the thing, they do want to smash the mic and kill you. And no, this would not be listed as a bad thing, you pessimist.

Bad things:
- There's a record button, but no save feature or anything. As soon as you re-record the previous one is gone. So those looking to record their mix tape on here Eminem style or need to add voice overs to your Pauly D inspired beat, get off your cheap ass and buy an actual mic.
- The "T-Pain Effect" button doesn't work that well. Could be better. But this is a toy so you can expect much. Fucking cheap toy.
- Runs through batteries like a hooker through cocaine.
- It does have a remix button, but I don't think I'm using it properly... or care much about that to be honest.

All in all, I will probably grow tired of this thing pretty quick, but it will be fun in the mean time!

Jersey Shore is Back

Once again the trash that is Jersey Shore will be on the air!

For those who are fans, welcome to the a few weeks of Thursday nights at home reliving basically what everyone in Woodbridge goes through on a daily basis.

The blow-outs, the tans, the "bro", the juice monkeys, the tank tops, the gold chains, the drama, the booze, the 18 hr prep time for partying, the 9 inch heels on 5 inch women, all of it.

I don't mind the cleavage.

The drama is standard at best and has been steadily declining since season 1. Now it looks a little too fake. At least in Season 1 Pauly D actually knocks a guy in the first episode and I think this is also Ronnie's one punch season and his one night in jail season and rumble on the board walk season.

Must have gotten a talking' too from the producers that they can't shell out for the lawsuits for every kid he knocks out, so he's going to have to cut it out.

Apparently Vinnie leaves this season...Didn't see that one coming...(how do you type out a fart noise and make a thumbs down sign indicating a sarcastic remark)

This time they are back in Jersey...again.

The Meatball monkeys need to be shot. They have run their course.

Mike will be Mike and be "The Bad Guy" More like a tool than a bad guy. Bad guys people will root for. Tools, no chance.

Ronnie and Sam, you're idiots

Jwoww, you can do whatever you like. (And no that is not meant to sound like that song of whomever's that is, I'm not even sure that's how the song goes)

I really don't know what else to write about this. I can't really say too much about them any more. I mean I can name about 20 people I know that act exactly like each of these "characters"

Meh, I will be watching and I think I really just used this topic so I can tag it as a label and potentially get more traffic to my blog.

Show starts now, I gotta post this puppy.

Motivational Posters

Ever see those lovely posters with the black outline, the headline and the quick little caption?
I found a way to make my own
These are not meant to be inspirational, but you never know!
Enjoy!

Snoop on TPR!

Snoop Dogg was on The Price is Right yesterday.

He didn't really do much other than just be Snoop

Have a look



Snoop does get a little excited in this. Constant re-assurance to this contestant plus he gets a fat cheque for his charity or something or other.

How much do you think he got in his pocket???

Interesting

Direction for 2012 - Top Resolutions

I've decided to spend a little more time on this entry and actually do some research.
But then I got lazy and did a quick google search and found what I needed in about 30 seconds.

I'm going to talk about some people's New Years Resolutions...
Now keep in mind, I will be making fun of them the whole time.
Please don't look for this to be an inspirational entry to motivate you to keep yours.
Actually it may work like that when you want to prevent your resolution from showing up here next year.

These top resolutions are random and in no particular order.

1. Lose Weight, Get Fit, Be Healthy, and anything else that can be related to fitness.

Why start this in the middle of winter? It's always dark, cold and depressing. This is more a summer time thing. And why are you waiting all year to lose weight? O ya, that's right. Its because of the mountains of food and sweets everyone eats during the holidays, you feel guilty, you hop on a treadmill, lose the 5 lbs you gained and you hop off. Way to commit...who am I kidding? I'm the same way

2. Quit smoking, drinking or some other kind of bad habit

I applaud the effort of those that try, but with St. Patty's Day on March 17th, that really only gives you 2 and a half months to rid yourself of whatever it is your doing before being tempted on one of the biggest parties of the year. Why would you want to quit something right before an amazing party? Wouldn't it be smarter to wait until after? Mind you, it probably is easier to complete this task in the winter, but why? Just party it up... Unless your a degenerate and if that's the cause get some help and lock yourself up.

3. Spend more time with family and friends

This is the kind of resolution people say when they are surrounded by family and friends that they have neglected the previous year. This individual will more often then not "toast" to family once this resolution is said out loud.  This is also the individual that will not be seen until the next NYE and then give the same cheesy speech and the same terrible toast. Good luck with that, idiot.

4. Get out of Debt

A good goal that would be more long term than short, but a dumb resolution. You just blew all your savings or your Christmas bonus to buy presents and gifts for loved ones, now you just announced that you bought everything on credit and you're poor and can't pay for it. Keep this resolution to yourself and make up a public one for when you have to share. If you have to share of course. Don't announce that getting out of debt is your goal. Everyone at the table is going to say, "Why did you buy me this watch then?" or "Why did you get my kid that dumb video game?" Save yourself the ridicule and pick numbers 1, 2 or 3.

5. "Get Organized"

What the fuck does this mean? Be more specific asshole.

As for my resolution, I said I wanted to write a book. I have no idea how I'm going to pull this one off. Anyone got any book idea? Ha ha ha ha ha ha